26 Jul

Colin and Sow Weekly SportsPod – 7/26/10

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in Podcasts. Tagged: , , , , .

Just cause you're movie bombed doesn't mean you have to commit suicide

In what will hopefully be the first of many weekly sports podcasts, I talk with Josh Sowers about the week’s events. We talk about “The Decision” and its aftermath, the future of softball star Jennie Finch, and the Seattle Mariners’ dugout brawl. As always listen below or download on iTunes by searching “Ward-Henninger” or “You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me”.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @LAKERSEXAMINER AND @FAKESPORTSTODAY.

Right Click to Download Here: Josh Sowers 072410

21 Jul

Newest Laker Steve Blake LOOOOOOOVES Johnny Rockets

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in NBA, basketball. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Steve Blake is a scholar.

While Steve Blake may fit in perfectly with his new Los Angeles Lakers teammates on the court, off the court he may have some problems. You see, it seems as if Steve is beyond the video games and meaningless banter associated with the young folks of today’s NBA. Steve Blake is an intellectual.

I was lucky enough to come across one of Blake’s essay’s from the University of Maryland. While Blake is known for leading the Terps to a national championship in 2002, it seems we haven’t given him enough praise for his accomplishments in the classroom.

Take for example this essay, that Deadspin was kind enough to publish for our enjoyment. Click the link to see the whole essay, but essentially it is an edgy critique of one of our nation’s most prized establishments, Johnny Rockets.

Blake wisely begins his essay, entitled “Happy days at Johnny’s” as fiction, in an effort to draw the reader into a personal story about two young lovers going through a difficult time in their relationship. During an argument, the young lady wanders into a Johnny Rockets restaurant and her boyfriend follows her inside:

“A young couple was walking down Main Street arguing with each other. The young lady got frustrated with her boyfriend and just walked away from him and went into a restaurant. He wanted to make up with her so he went in there after her…As they were sitting, they heard a song by Elvis being played throughout the whole restaurant. The couple looked at each other and smiled because they both really liked that song. The restaurant that this couple went to is in Florida and is called Johnny Rockets, a restaurant that brings people happiness.”

Quickly and unexpectedly, however, Blake abandons the two characters and begins his appraisal of the Johnny Rockets franchise, noting such things as:

  • “The colors of the restaurant are red, white, and yellow.“
  • “There is also a straw holder that the waiter or waitress opens for you to get a straw as if you were a five-old kid.“
  • “By looking at Johnny Rockets you can tell it is resembling the 40s and 50s by the juke boxes.“
  • “With the friendly service of the waiters and waitresses and the singing and dancing they sometimes do makes this place just as fun as hanging out with your friends.“
  • “By having a restaurant like this, I think it shows how we haven’t forgotten about what has happened back in the 40′s and 50′s.“

So far the essay may seem like a puff piece, like he was paid off by Johnny Rockets to write a positive review. But Blake is sure to show the drawbacks of the restaurant as well:

“The only downfall of the restaurant is that you don’t get much food.“

He even goes as far as to compare Johnny Rockets to its competitors:

“The burgers are about the size of McDonalds but the taste of Johnny Rockets is much better. One thing I do like is that you get a good amount of a chocolate shake if you order one. The prices at Johnny Rockets are a little high compared to a McDonalds or Burger King but are average compared to a Fridays or Applebee’s.”

Finally, Blake concludes with the main argument of his essay. He tries to show why Johnny Rockets is just so special to him:

“When I was younger, my mother would listen to oldies while I was in the car and I enjoyed listening to them then. So the only time I really get to hear oldies now is when I go to Johnny Rockets.”

Remember, this essay was written in the early 2000′s, before music downloading was rampant. So it is actually quite telling that visiting Johnny Rockets is the only way that Blake could listen to oldies and be reminded of his childhood and his mother.

It says on the Maryland website that Blake was a criminology and criminal justice major at Maryland. Well he needs to put his training to work because he has clearly been robbed of a Nobel Prize for Literature.

So if in the upcoming season Steve Blake hits a game winning shot and you’re hoping to find him out that night to congratulate him, look no further than the red, white, and chrome of Johnny Rockets. It will certainly bring you, your family, and Steve Blake happiness.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @LAKERSEXAMINER

14 Jul

YouTube Clip of the Day: LT Style Electric Glide

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in Football, NFL, YouTube Clip of the Day. Tagged: , , , , , , .

This one came out a while ago, but I think it’s time for a re-visit. I think all athletes should be required to do at least one music video, solo or group, in order to qualify for their retirement pension. What do you think?

9 Jul

LeBron, Wade, Bosh, and…um…

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in NBA, basketball. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

So, who else we got on our team?

So, I don’t know if you heard, but LeBron James says he is going to play for the Miami Heat next season. I’m not going to get into the Dan Gilbert-fueled LeBron hatred– in fact I think LeBron made the smartest, if not safest, decision available.

Not only does he get to play with two studs, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, but now if the Heat flounder next season, it’s not all on LeBron. Had he chosen to re-sign with the Cavs or go to the Knicks or Bulls, their success would be entirely dependent on LeBron and his ability to lead them to the promised land. But if in two years the Heat still haven’t won, Miami will have some other players to share the blame.

After the initial “Holy crap this is actually happening” thoughts, the first thing that went through my head was the Miami Heat roster. Sure, they have three unbelievable players, but then who?

They reportedly traded Michael Beasley last night to make room for LeBron, so that leaves them with Mario Chalmers, LeBron, Wade, and Bosh. Not exactly the Dream Team.

It was also reported last night that Mike Miller will sign with them. Don’t get me wrong, Mike Miller is an excellent role player, but since they are supposedly paying him $30 million, that doesn’t leave much to fill out the rest of their roster.

The Heat situation reminds me of a video game in “Franchise Mode”. You select a team, in this case the Miami Heat. You put it on “League Draft” so that you get to choose your own team. You start out hot, choosing LeBron, Wade, and Bosh with your first three picks. “How did the computer let these guys fall to me!” you think to yourself, “I’m gonna be unstoppable!” With your fourth pick, you go to select another superstar, Dirk Nowitzki, but a dialog box with an exclamation point comes up on the screen: “Insufficient Funds. Please make another selection.”

Suddenly it dawns on you that you left the “Salary Cap” option on, and you don’t have enough money to draft any more players that you want. You go through trying to pick every player who you’ve heard of, but the dreaded “Insufficient Funds” box keeps bursting onto the screen. Finally you become so frustrated that you choose “let cpu finish draft” and you look at your final roster. It’s a dichotomy of the best players in the league and players who you thought had retired (or gone to the D-League) many years ago: LeBron, Wade, Bosh, Speedy Claxton, Kris Humphries, Aaron Williams, Ed O’Bannon, Bryant “Big Country” Reeves, Travis Best, and three players that the computer clearly made up with mismatched names like Santiago Suzuki and Yao Richardson.

You play one game before you realize it’s not really that fun playing with three superstars and a bunch of scrubs.

I have a feeling that’s what’s going to happen this season in Miami. They’ll be able to fill out the roster, but it won’t be the right combination of players to take the Heat to the Finals. Not this season at least.

There are two reasons the “big three” worked with the Celtics: 1) they had immediate, unbelievable chemistry that only happens when two of the big three are slightly over the hill and have been floundering with miserable teams for the past couple seasons, and 2) they had a solid supporting cast and bench, led by a phenomenal young point guard.

It’s pretty obvious that it will take some time for the Heat to gain a supporting cast, so this season will be more about point #1. How long will it take for LeBron, Wade, and Bosh to gel? Will they be able to share the spotlight, or multiple spotlights as LeBron put it? It remains to be seen, but one thing’s for sure. I can’t wait to watch this team play.

And I can’t wait to see Miami’s first game in Cleveland.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @LAKERSEXAMINER and @FAKESPORTSTODAY

18 Jun

Podcast – Colin Talks to Sow About Lakers Championship and June 2010

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in NBA, Podcasts, baseball, basketball.

It’s rapidly becoming one of the greatest months in sports history. From Armando Galarraga’s near no-hitter to the Lakers winning the NBA championship to the World Cup, June 2010 might just go down in history.

I brought on Josh Sowers to discuss the events and give us his take. Enjoy…

Colin talks to Sow about June 2010

4 May

Video: Tased teen Steve Consalvi runs on field at Phillies game

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in YouTube Clip of the Day, baseball. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Last night, 17-year old Phillies fan Steve Consalvi decided it would be a great idea to run onto the field.

The security officers and their taser guns thought differently. See below.

Well, this guy’s not that big of an idiot. At least he called his dad beforehand to ask him if it was a good idea.

If nothing else, at least this incident gives me the excuse to post one of my favorite clips of all time. Don’t Tase Me Bro!

3 May

Eric Byrnes released after exit on bicycle…seriously

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in YouTube Clip of the Day, baseball. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

And we thought this was the low point of his career...

I wish I was clever enough to come up with this scenario on my own, but…it actually happened.

After getting halfway through this article, I had to do a double-take and make sure I wasn’t reading The Onion.

Apparently, after making the unforgivable baseball mistake of pulling back his bunt attempt during a squeeze play, Seattle Mariners outfielder Eric “Byrnesie” Byrnes took strike three down the middle to ruin the M’s hopes for victory.

That’s bad enough, but the fun hadn’t even started yet.

So, Mariners GM Jack Zduriencik is walking back to the clubhouse, dejected after yet another loss, hoping to speak with his team. Suddenly he feels a gust of wind as a speeding vehicle moves past him.

What was it? Lance Armstrong? E.T.? Speed Racer?

Wrong…it was Byrnesie making a bee-line for the stadium exit on his bicycle.

Before Zduriencik even had a chance to address his team, Byrnesie was home free on his Huffy. Apparently Byrnes lives (or lived) close enough to the stadium to make daily trips on his two-wheeler.

Needless to say, Saturday’s charade, coupled with the fact that he had tallied three more hits than a dead guy this season, gave Zduriencik plenty of reason to release Byrnes. And he did.

Hey, look at it this way, at least Byrnes has another career waiting for him…

He’s got the hair for it.

20 Apr

MLB Busts Joe Maddon for Wearing Hoodie: Why Stop There?

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in Lists, baseball. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Makes me sick just looking at it.

ESPN radio personality Colin Cowherd often blasts Major League Baseball for being a backwards, slow-to-progress institution that fails to relate to the youth.

Well, he was certainly proven wrong Monday as Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon was forbidden from wearing his trademark hooded sweatshirt in the dugout during games.

I only have one thing to say: it’s about time.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at Maddon’s classless, ragged hooded sweatshirt and gotten sick to my stomach. It’s bad enough that he parades around in those Buddy Holly glasses. I mean, who does he think he is? No wonder baseball ratings are down. People turn on the television, see a guy like Joe Maddon and think, “who is this clown? what else is on?” Click.

Baseball is a gentleman’s game. There’s no place for this sloppy, casual dress in the dugout. I would much rather look in the dugout and see a 70-year-old man wearing a full baseball uniform. There’s no way you look at that guy and think anything but, “Now there’s a man I want my son to play for.”

Eliminating hoodies (I can’t even type the word without getting angry) from the dugouts is an important first step, but we can’t stop there. Here is a list of rules that need to be implemented if we want baseball to regain the title of “America’s Pastime.”

I’m glad the MLB has taken this all-important first step by banning the hoodie, but these next measures need to be taken in order to ensure the sanctity of the game.

Once that’s taken care of, we can start working on the music at stadiums. It’s like we’ve forgotten how inspiring a great John Philip Sousa march can be for a team.

19 Apr

Creed’s Scott Stapp’s “Marlins Will Soar,” Worst Sports Song of All Time?

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in YouTube Clip of the Day, baseball. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Scott Stapp looks like a baseball fan.

I feel like I’ve let you down. Last week I heard Dan Patrick and his minions making fun of the newest sports anthem, “Marlins Will Soar” by Creed frontman Scott Stapp. I should have posted it immediately, while it was fresh on my mind.

Now, unfortunately, if you go to the YouTube site, all you will see is “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by MLB Advanced Media.” I guess since they use the song in the Marlins’ pregame video, it technically belongs to the MLB.

Luckily for us, some fan (either of the Marlins, or Creed, or copyright infringement) saved the day by posting this bootleg video. Not the best quality, but at least you can hear the magic.

Is it just me, or does it really sound like he’s saying “You Will Suck”?

To clarify, I sought out the song’s lyrics, and luckily some kind soul posted them in all their not-quite-baseball-lingo glory:

“Marlins Will Soar”

Let’s play ball, it’s game day
We watch strikeouts, base hits, double plays
Take the field, hear the roar of the crowd
Come on Marlins, make us proud
Come on Marlins, make us proud

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

One strike, two strikes, swing away
A diving catch, a stolen base
A perfect game, a triple play
A [undistinguishable] play of praise
We’re series champs, we [crack of bat?]

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

Keep hoping and dreaming and you will soar
With a little faith and luck, you will soar

As you can see, Stapp basically threw together a series of baseball terms with no real coherence or logical progression. It would be like me trying to make a song about cooking and singing:

“Bread, paremesan, and filet,
We like to eat you all day.
Leeks, bon-bons, Golden Grahams,
Need to get some in my hands.”

Sure, the words are technically food, but anyone who understood cooking would think it was wrong and ridiculous.

That’s pretty much the main reason why this song is so awful. Even “Centerfield” by John Fogerty at least makes some sense: “put me in coach, I’m ready to play.” I think I’ve said that one before on the field.

So Stapp could could have produced the worst sports song of all time, but just for fun we’ll take a look at some other terrible ones in the next couple days.

You better believe this will be on the list (and yes, this was the song my high school basketball team came out to). Hey, at least Master P played basketball:

http://twitter.com/lakersexaminer

14 Apr

YouTube Clip of the Day: Soul Glo (and some awesome Jheri Curl pics)

Posted by Colin Ward-Henninger in Lists, YouTube Clip of the Day. Tagged: , , , , , .

"Just let your Soul Glo"

After watching VH1′s Black to the Future this weekend, I developed an obsession with the greatest genuine American artform: the Jheri Curl.

I suggest you check out the informative and descriptive Wikipedia entry on the hairstyle– here is the opening passage:

The Jheri curl (often incorrectly spelled Jerry curl or Jeri Curl) is a hairstyle that was common and popular in the African American community. Invented by and named for Jheri Redding,[1] the Jheri curl gave the wearer a glossy, loosely curled look. It was touted as a “wash and wear” style that was easier to care for than the other popular chemical treatment of the day, the relaxer.

One of the most iconic and hilarious depictions of the Jheri Curl appears in Eddie Murphy’s 1988 classic, Coming to America:

Just in case you thought it was made up, here are some real-life examples of the vibrant hairstyle:

The Classy Jheri

The Sports Jheri

The Jheri-Fall

The Jheri-Fall

The Jheri 'n tha Hood

 

The King of Jheri

 

The Jock-Jheri

 

The Basket-Jheri

 

Hopefully that gives you a good sense of the awesomeness of the Jheri Curl. High top fades from the early 90s are already coming back in the NBA, so I say it’s only a matter of time before the Jheri Curl makes a resurgence. Although they’d have to figure out a way to get the activator juice off the court. I guess they have mop-boys.

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