In case you’ve been living in a cave for the past year — actually forget that, even the caves got word of this– you will be tuning in Tuesday to watch one of the greatest contests in our nation’s history.
No, I’m not talking about Phoenix at New Jersey. I’m talking, of course, about the presidential election. Now while Barack Obama and John McCain are both solid candidates, I thought I’d see how some of our very own Lakers might fare as America’s next president.
Kobe Bryant
Pros: A natural competitor, Kobe has always been known for his tireless work ethic and refusal to accept mediocrity. In the past couple of years, Kobe has also proven that he can put his personal agenda aside and do what is best for the team.
Cons: His competitive fire often causes him to make rash and ill-advised decisions. Also, questionable choices in his personal life leave Kobe open for attacks on his “moral character.”
Electability:3/10 - Always a polarizing figure, Kobe would easily win California but would lose each of the other 49 states.
Lamar Odom
Pros: Versatile and unselfish, Odom has always been willing to sacrifice personal glory to put the team first. He has also learned to deal with criticism after being chastised mercilessly for the better portion of his career.
Kobe and the Lakers aren’t in Kansas anymore. Last year they were able to surprise just about everyone by finishing with the best record in the Western Conference. Not a chance this year, as most analysts are picking the Lakers to come out of the West and win the title. They need to realize they have a target on their backs and know that they’re going to get every opponent’s best game.
The Lakers need to get Vladi Radmanovic a brain, Pau Gasol a heart, and Lamar Odom some courage. If the Lakers are going to return to Championship form, they’ll need to be firing on all cylinders. That includesgetting “space cadet” Radmanovic to figure things out. It also means Pau Gasol needs to show some fire and not allow himself to get consistently pushed 15 feet from the basket in the playoffs. Perhaps most importantly, however, they need Lamar Odom to finally realize how good he is. Every Laker fan has been frustrated seeing Odom’s inconsistencies, and a nice bout of confidence (and perhaps a move to the bench), may allow him to finally flourish.
Filed under: Uncategorized — Colin Ward-Henninger @ 2:35 pm
For all of my fans that have been climing the walls waiting for a new post for the past couple weeks, here it is. And by ‘here it is’ I mean here is an excuse.
I got a job. That’s right, Examiner.com is going to pay me to blog about the Lakers. I will do some cross-posting, and of course I will continue to use this blog to highlight all absurd sports stories not involving the Lakers.
While you’re here, check out my latest post on Andrew Bynum. After my hiatus I’m back and ready to go, so keep your eyes open and keep checking back.
Somebody will do something stupid soon, and I’ll be there to make fun of them.
Golden State Warriors golden boy Monta Ellis has recently turned more of a bronze color due to abrasions found on his right ankle, which he claims was sprained while playing a pick-up game in his home state of Mississippi.
Instead of preparing to take over as the Warriors number one guy, Ellis will spend the next 3-4 months recovering from his injury and trying to get his story straight. Several sources and sports medicine experts have told ESPN that the cuts and abrasions, along with a torn deltoid ligament, are not typical of a basketball-related high ankle sprain.
The Warriors are investigating the injury and if it’s found that Ellis hurt himself doing something other than basketball (taking out the trash, erratic dancing at the club, burning his hands in hot wax), he may be forced to forefit his contract.
It appears that Ellis lied about his injury, which is pretty stupid, but he is just following in the footsteps of professional athletes that lie to weasel their way out of losing money. At least Ellis’ excuse was reasonable, unlike these bozos:
- Lakers forward Vladimir Radmanovic claimed to have separated his shoulder when he slipped on a patch of ice while carrying a cup of coffee. Nobody swallowed this tripe to begin with, since Radmo was at a ski resort in Park City, Utah when the injury happened. He came clean after a few days, admitting that he hurt himself after a nasty snowboarding fall.
- Then-Giants second-baseman Jeff Kent claimed to have broken his wrist when he fell off of his truck while attmepting to give it a thorough cleansing. Reasonably suspicious about how a professional athlete could manage to fall off of his truck, the Giants looked into it and found that two men called 911 about the same time as Kent’s injury. They said that they saw an unidentified rider fall off of his motorcycle while doing a wheelie down the street. Since Jeff Kent was never shy about his love for motorcycles, the Giants continued to look into it, but could never prove that Kent simply couldn’t figure out the appropriate water to soap ratio.
While lying is a despicable act and should never be used to cheat your way out of a fine, it may be a reasonable option for those athletes trying to avoid looking like an idiot. Here is a list of boneheads that probably would have saved some face by lying about their injuries. Some highlights:
Astros outfielder Hunter Pence injured himself walking through a sliding glass door at his own apartment.
Yankees pitcher David Cone missed a start after being bit on the finger by his mother’s dog. He should have listened to the advice of my college coach (and 1982 World Series Game 6 winner) John Stuper: “Always pet dogs and open blind doors with your non-pitching hand.”
Twins outfielder Marty Cordova was benched due to sunburn suffered from forgetting to set the timer while inside the tanning bed.
Padres pitcher Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the gut while trying to open a DVD. (Hey, I bet we’ve all done this at least once…or at least wanted to stab ourselves while trying to get the damn thing open!)
Brewers pitcher Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder while trying to rip a phonebook in half during a motivational seminar. Each child in the audience went on to join a gang.
So maybe lying about an injury isn’t the worst thing in the world. Just try to avoid dangerous situations like washing your truck, opening DVD’s, and giving motivational speeches.
I know you’ve seen them. They’re more ubiquitous than postgame cliches, Yankee Stadium boos, and Chicago Cubs excuses combined. What I’m talking about, of course, are these multicolored necklaces that every single baseball player seems to be wearing these days.
They’re called Phiten Titanium Necklaces and whoever does their marketing should have their Blackberry retired. Through word of mouth, great advertising (which I have yet to see) or some other miracle, baseball players have all seemed to buy into it.
At first I thought it was just a fashion statement like the Van Dyke beard in the mid-to-late 90s. After doing a little research I find out that these things are full-fledged Magic Beans. According to their website,
“Phiten’s exclusive processes amplify the energy management system increasing the efficiency of each and every single cell.”
It goes on to say that the product MAY help to…
Alleviate Discomfort
Enhance Circulation
Promote Relaxation
Stabilize Energy Flow
Reduce Stress
Soothe Tension
Looking to alleviate stress in his teeth
Seriously, Ron Popeil needs to be taking notes. I haven’t been this excited for a product since I saw that Tater Mitts infomercial at 3 a.m. Thursday morning.
Now I know baseball players are a superstitious bunch, ready to jump at anything that promises to improve performance (see: STEROIDS, HGH, ANDRO, etc.) but this is remarkable even for them. How grown men making millions of dollars a year became conviced that a necklace can help them reach peak performance is beyond me.
In fact, I’m pretty sure the necklaces are having the opposite effect based on the “studs” they chose to put on the front page of their website:
Justin Verlander (8 more losses and 8 fewer wins than last season)
Josh Beckett (just went on the DL with a mysterious “strained right elbow”)
Clay Bucholz (ERA ballooned from 1.59 last year to 6.75 this year)
Justin Morneau (11 fewer homeruns than last year)
I’d say the necklaces aren’t exactly working for their posterboys.
I’ve got no beef with the Phiten people on this one. They’re just selling a bogus product that people choose to believe. The fault here lies entirely with the ballplayers that choose to swallow this Mumbo Jumbo. But hey, do what you gotta do.
The worst part is you can see little leaguers all over the country emulating their heroes by buying this witchcraft ($25 per necklace, by the way). I guess with all the money parents spend on their kids’ equipment, it could be worse.
They could be running up saying, “Daddy, you gotta get me a Gold Thong like the Giambino!”
I really don’t see what everyone is so upset about. Jericho Scott, a 9-year-old pitcher with a 40-mph Nolan Ryan fastball was banned from pitching in his Pee Wee League in New Haven (it figures that the week I leave lowly New Haven for the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, something like this happens).
The team tried to ignore the rule and pitch young Jericho (who, ironically, suffered the same fate as his CBS namesake), but when the opposing team saw the intimidating 50-pounder on the mound they packed up their gear, left their Capri Suns and Ding Dongs in the cooler, and returned home in time to catch the second half of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this move. If anything, Jericho and his parents should be flattered and honored by this gesture of submission by his peers. Professional athletes always talking about wanting to ‘go out on top.’ Well I can’t think of anything better than having the entire league refuse to play against you because you’re too good.
Could you imagine this conversation going on in the Phillies dugout before a game with the Mets:
“So, they got Santana going tonight. You think we should go with Feliz or Dobbs?”
“Wait, I got a better idea. Let’s just quit.”
“Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?”
Johan would be out of the league in no time. Despite the best efforts of his mother.
Jericho can now retire as the best 9-year-old in the history of the game. So good that his competitors would rather quit than suffer the embarrassment of striking out. Sounds like a good deal to me. I mean what are the odds that he would grow up to pitch in the Major Leagues? About the same as Danny Almonte starting next year’s All-Star Game.
Word on the street is that Jericho has other talents, however. Just this last week alone, these incidents occured at his high school:
Jericho continually found his classmates’ hiding places during ‘Hide and Seek.’ After the second game, they simply refused to hide. When he finished counting to ten and uncovered his eyes, he found 9-year-olds lined up single-file like lambs to the slaughter.
After running down several of his classmates after being tagged in ‘Duck, Duck, Goose,’ Jericho remained a Duck for the next six games. When one of his competitors accidentally called him ‘Goose’ and tapped his head, he simply fell to the ground in the fetal position and let Jericho tag him on the head.
Jericho’s classmates refused to play MASH with him after he won the Mansion, Ferrari, Jessica Alba, and Pet Monkey that Poops Million Dollar Bills.
The New Haven community has certainly set a new precedent for youth activity. If someone is much better than you at something, don’t try to test yourself against the best and take pride in the fact that you tried your best. Just complain until somebody removes him from the playing field. Then you can make things fair by taking your hacks against the kid with the inhaler and the Rec Specs.
We interrupt this broadcast of 8-year-old Chinese gymnasts masquerading as 16-year-olds for an urgent message: ONE OF THE PARTICIPATING NATIONS IS NOT HOLDING UP ITS END OF THE BARGAIN.
As of the time of this post, the fine nation of Canada had won 0 medals. Yup, that’s right, not one of the 33 million Canadian citizens can say that they have a medal at the 2008 Olympic Games. You, sitting on your couch yelling at American gymnasts for falling off a balance beam the width of your remote control, have just as many medals as any Canadian athlete.
Just for comparison’s sake, let’s take a look at some of 50 powerhouse nations that have managed to justify the 4 years of training, millions of dollars worth of travel, and countless amounts of commercials by actually winning a medal:
The Stan Brothers: Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, and of course the home of Borat, Kazakhstan.
It’s not like Canada is perenially in the poor house when it comes to the Olympics. In Athens in 2004, the Canucks took home 12 medals, including 3 golds! I don’t know what happened between now and then, but it seems like they never thawed out from the winter.
Hey, if your country is gonna spend its hard-earned Loonies and Toonies to get you here, you might as well compete, right? Here are some possible reasons for why they haven’t been able to break through with that first medal:
Too much poutine.
French fries and gravy....a marriage made in heaven
Still hung over from too many Molson Canadians on Canada Day.
I think I had too much, eh?
They are disqualified because they bring their hockey sticks to every competition.
These guys showed up for gymnastics
Instead of a swimming pool, the Canadian swim team practiced in a vat of maple syrup.
This might get you through one Canadian breakfast
All the real Canadian athletes stayed behind to become Royal Canadian Mounties.
They always get their man...but unfortunately no medals
Those are just a few ideas about why our friendly neighbors to the north have been struggling thus far. The most logical reason, though, is that they’re saving up so they can blow everyone to hell in Vancouver in the 2010 Winter Olympics, where they consistently give everyone else a good old fashioned wood-shed beating (24 medals, 7 golds in Turin in 2006).
With my luck, the Canadians will have 8 medals by the time this posts, but hey you gotta take any opportunity you can to take a shot at Canada, eh? What with their universal health care and friendly, helpful nature.
Alright, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Yes, at long last I have returned from my vacation to historic Charleston, South Carolina. No, that’s not a joke, I actually went on a family vacation to the Palmetto State, and I have to say it was quite a good time. Here’s the official tally:
Trips to the beach: 5
Waves ridden: 7
Jellyfish Stings: 2 (one to right foot, one to right ankle…on consecutive trips. I started to think i was going to set a Cal Ripken-esque streak for number of consecutive trips with a jellyfish sting. Alas, on the third day they got my brother instead. That’s like if they replaced Cal at short one day with Billy Ripken.)
Crabcakes eaten: 4
Shrimp eaten: 1,356
Ounces of alcohol consumed: priceless
Anyway I can’t say that I was too out of touch with the sports world while I was gone since we had digital cable with every channel imaginable. I was able to receive by-the-minute coverage of Favre-Gate 2008 (has a nice ring to it, eh?) even after the SportsCenter anchors insisted that Favre’s reign of terror was over. Now they’re giving us updates on how he is fitting in with his new team because he was forced to run a punishment lap. Just like a normal guy! Imagine that! Luckily, there was a crawl across the Bottom Line saying “Brett Favre runs punishment lap in 34.3 seconds. Jets management “satisfied” with time.”
I then turned my attention to the second-most covered story of the week: The Games of the XXIX Olympiad. 192 independent countries sent their finest athletes to Beijing, China where they were treated to one of the most impressive opening ceremonies I’ve ever seen. If you didn’t get a chance to see it, find a replay and watch it. You won’t be disappointed. Here are some stunning high-resolution photos from the NY Times.
What was somewhat disappointing, however, was the list of “sports” that will take place at this summer’s Games. Here are some of the events we will be treated to at 4 a.m. on BRAVO, CNBC, and other affiliates while the real NBC turns into Michael Phelps’ own reality show, Michael Phelps: Silver Ain’t Good Enough.
Handball (the nations must decide the rules before the match, i.e. whether to include “rainbows,” “slicies,” and “bouncies.” See here for some commonly-used techniques.)
Synchronized Swimming (aka freaky twins showcasing their mind-control powers by dancing in the water)
In the midst of a riveting game of Marco Polo
Badminton (white sweater must be tied around neck at all times, or a point is awarded to the other team. Official timeout when Jeffrey brings out fresh-squeezed lemonade.)
Canoeing (one team member must stand at the front of the canoe with a spy-glass; extra points awarded for any land discovery)
Water Polo (what happens underwater…stays underwater!)
Fencing (before every strike, the striker must recite, in his best Spanish accent, “My name is Inigo Montoya…you killed my father…prepare to die!)
Table Tennis (Timeouts taken when the ball gets broken and/or lost under the garage beer fridge. Also, Tyler Hansbrough and Bobby Frasor avaliable for “Texas Ping Pong” tiebreakers. The fun starts around 3:08 )
Weightlifting (the U.S. team consists of four Jersey Shore residents who attempt to intimidate their opponents by grunting while they get their swell on. They are also known for their elaborate victory dances.)
With sports like these, who needs football, rugby, or golf? They’ve even decided to dump softball for the 2012 Olympics. I guess they need sports with more subjective judging involved rather than clear, outright winners. I’d personally like to see Mixed Martial Arts make its way into the Olympics. Some say it’s too violent, but one of the mainstays at the Olympics is “Shooting.” I think I’d rather see two guys face each other in hand-to-hand combat than an Aaron Burr-Alexander Hamilton style duel…but that’s just me.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last couple hours (or at the movie theater seeing Space Chimps), you know that arguably the greatest right-handed hitter of all time was just traded where else but Los Angeles. The Dodgers desperately needed a power bat in the middle of the lineup (they haven’t had one since the pride of the Jewish community - Shawn Green), and they got one, and then some.
Nobody’s questioning the Dodgers in this deal, as they gave up their ‘best’ hitting prospect in Andy LaRoche, who couldn’t win the position from some guy called Blake DeWitt or a gimpy Nomar Garciaparra. The only question is how Manny will fit in in LA LA land. I know Manny will be a great fit for several reasons:
1. In Los Angeles, the fans don’t show up until the third inning and leave in the seventh. So does Manny.
2. Dodger fans can often be seen talking on their cell phones in the stands during the game. So can Manny.
3. Angelinos enjoy the night life, often heading to clubs to spend tons of money on overpriced drinks with celebrities. So does Manny.
4. Many aspriring actors come to Los Angeles with the hopes of becoming the star of their own sitcom. So has Manny.
5. People in Los Angeles are free to express themselves through their appearance, especially through unique and interesting hairstyles. So is Manny.
So it looks like Manny will have no problem being Manny in LA, and the kooks and vegetarians will even embrace him for it. Just make sure he sets the alarm so he knows when to turn when he’s on the beach tanning. There’s nothing worse than an uneven tan.
You know how much it frustrates you that girls always seem to be attracted to the bad boys? You know, the ones that smoke, ride motorcycles, and wear leather jackets? Ok, maybe we’re not in the days of The Fonz anymore, but today’s women seem to be attracted to the jerk who goes to the bar for the sole purpose of waiting until he inevitably gets bumped and then shouting, “You wanna start somethin, bro?” before pushing the culprit to the ground, who he later finds out is a girl.
I could never understand why girls were attracted to this guy. That is, until Thursday night when I suddenly and inexplicably developed a man-crush on Julio Castillo. I know, I know, the name sounds familiar. Well, maybe this will refresh your memory:
Ooooooooooh yeah, he was the lunatic that launched a 94 mph fastball into the opposing dugout……and missed…..and sent a helpless, unsuspecting fan to the emergency room. Talk about a high hard one.
Apparently this is nothing new for Castillo, who has less control than a sex addict at the Playboy Mansion. Castillo has 47 walks in 90 career innings, and according to former Ivy League Player of the Year Marc Sawyer, who played with him in Boise last year, Castillo has absolutely no clue where the ball’s going. That can be quite an advantage for a guy who throws in the mid-90s. Guys fresh out of high school and college were inching into the back corner of the batter’s box shaking like Henry Roengardner.
So all this begs the question, how on Earth is this guy my MCOW? Let’s start with the basics. I do not condone what this guy did in any way, shape, or form. As a fan and former player, I’ve seen my fair share of brawls and NEVER have I seen someone fire a baseball as hard as he can towards a human being.
It might even be understandable if Castillo was being charged by the batter, and in a state of panic and desperation he threw the ball at the charging Dragon. Ok, still uncalled for, but somewhat understandable.
What nobody can understand is while his teammates and opponents rushed out of the dugout, Castillo thought that his best move was to take a baseball and wing it towards the opposing dugout. I mean, was he actually trying to kill someone? That’s really the only logical explanation. He’s a contract killer. He was hired to take out one of the players in the Dayton dugout. He failed and sent a civilian to the hospital in the process.
I bet he’s being worked over by the Dayton police right now, trying to get him to give up his boss. Good luck, Castillo is probably giving them the Sammy Sosa “I don’t speak English” defense. Although from what I hear he actually can’t speak a word of English.
I know he should be suspended for the year by his team and deserves whatever legal punishment he gets, but for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about the guy. I guess it is the brash defiance of all reason and logic that intrigues me. Or maybe it’s the “Who else want some!?!?” look on his face after he throws the ball at the dugout. In any case, I don’t know why, but Castillo was the object of my affection this week.
Hopefully next week I’ll pick the nice guy who’s really been there for me during the hard times and never tries to force the issue. Or maybe I’ll just pick another A-Hole. Does Barry Bonds have a team yet?
